While in day-to-day life people often use the word ‘acceptance’ as a synonym for resignation, giving up or approval; we mean exactly the opposite.
Acceptance is a willingness to embrace reality as it is, even if you don’t like it.
For example, imagine that you smell smoke, hear the fire alarm go off, and feel an overwhelming heat coming from the next room. Acceptance is NOT burning down with the house – that would be resignation or giving up. In this extreme case, acceptance would mean acknowledging that the house is on fire and getting yourself and your loved ones to safety!
By not fighting or resisting reality, we reduce our overall suffering in situations we can’t change. And, at the same time, we take the first steps towards improving the things we can change, and start to build a life worth living.
In other words, acceptance is an active process, despite how we often mistake it for its exact opposite: experiential avoidance.
‘Experiential avoidance’ are all the little things we do to avoid or numb ourselves from our pain when we’ve given up any hope of actually improving our situation in a real, tangible way.
It’s akin to putting in earplugs when the fire alarm is going off. It might make life more tolerable in the short term, but the signal will become louder and louder until you finally address the actual problem. In the meantime, the problem grows worse and may cause real damage or harm in your life.
When we practice acceptance of internal experiences it means we are mindfully recognizing what’s going on without trying to push away those unwanted thoughts or feelings. But nor are we clinging to the pleasant experiences. We’re making space for whatever experiences arise, without trying to control or change them.
Externally, however, we can observe acceptance in action when we actively take steps towards change (i.e. getting the fire extinguisher).
If you’re asking yourself lots of “why” questions about a situation you don’t like, or if your mind is running through “if only” or “what if” scenarios where the situation could have been different, then you might be struggling with acceptance. If this is the case, try to identify what you can control in the situation. Be mindful of this kind of unhelpful self-talk, let it go, and try to refocus your attention to taking real world steps to improve your situation.
Don’t be discouraged if you have to try this again and again. It isn’t usually something that happens without intentional practice, nor is it something that you can achieve once and be done with.
Acceptance is something that needs to be actively re-initiated any time you’re struggling. However, with practice, you will be able to do this more effortlessly and automatically.