Emotion Focused Therapy (EFT) talks about the dynamic that exists between couples – and keep in mind that the couple does not need to be within a romantic relationship. EFT talks about various dynamics that take place in any interaction.
For example, when one person approaches, the other person usually responds in kind. It could be that, for example, when one person attacks, the other responds in the same way, with an attack, or the other person might withdraw.
When we’re aware of how we tend to respond during an argument, we can work at changing the dynamic.
What’s your tendency when you’re stressed, upset or angry, or when you’re in the midst of a disagreement? Do you tend to approach the issue in a positive manner? Do you attack the other person? Or, do you turn away and withdraw?
If you’re aware of your tendency when stressed, then you’re more able to stop yourself from going there.
John Gottman conducted an experiment with couples to see how they interacted when having an argument. He found that some still engaged with each other, despite being angry or upset with the other person; some couples tended to turn away from each other while other couples turned against each other.
He reported that it was the couples that turned against each other during an argument that were most likely to end the relationship. Regardless of how stressed you or your partner are, it’s important that you remain engaged with each other. Turn towards each other.