Effective communication in relationships

How long has it even been? You’re exhausted, exasperated, and frankly, you can’t even remember what you’re fighting about anymore – but you’re each pretty sure you’re the one who’s right. Clearly, somewhere along the line, there’s been a breakdown in communication.

First, let me reassure you – if it sometimes feels like you’re speaking different languages, it’s because you are. You’re speaking different languages because you’re different people. You grew up in different households, you had different caregivers who taught you different things about what love looks like and what communication looks like, and you have different dating histories.                                                                                         

So, how do you cross the divide? How can you and your partner communicate more effectively with one another?

Make listening to and understanding each other a priority.
When you hit a communication wall, chances are this is part of what’s happened: you’re only speaking to be heard, and so are they. But if you’re both just trying to be heard, who’s listening? It’s important that both of you make listening as much of a priority as getting your own point across. Ask each other clarifying questions to try and understand what’s going on for each of you:

• “So, when that happened, you felt [feeling]? Or [feeling]?”
• “What was it about that that made you feel that way?”
• “What would have made that better for you?”

Put your weapons down.
You’re on the same team and ultimately, you each want the same things: to be heard, understood, and loved, and to get your needs met. You’re not enemies; it’s not you vs. me, it’s us vs. this issue we need to work through. It’s natural to get defensive when you’re feeling attacked, and to want to attack when you’re feeling hurt or angry. Take a breath, lay your weapons down, and keep these ‘clean communication’ guidelines in mind:

• Avoid labels and judgments (e.g., lazy, selfish, childish)
• Use ‘I’ statements that reflect what’s going on inside for you (e.g., “I feel let down and hurt when you don’t get home when you say you will” vs “You obviously don’t care about following through”, “You make me so mad!”)
• Be specific rather than generalizing with words like “always” and “never” (e.g., “When you forgot our anniversary yesterday, I felt…” vs “You always forget important occasions.”)
• Don’t dredge up the past; keep to the issue at hand

Work on self-awareness.
Effective communication requires a certain amount of self-awareness. It’s important to reflect on your own communication style, triggers, and reactions. Do you tend to get more critical or aggressive when you feel hurt or frustrated? Do you tend to shut down and want to stop talking? Do you tend to feel ashamed and get defensive when you receive constructive criticism? Do you process information quickly or do you need time to sort through your feelings before resolving an issue? Knowing these things can help you manage how you respond in a discussion and can also be helpful to share with your partner so that you can try to be considerate of each other’s needs. 

Talk about what’s happening.
In therapy, we talk about content – the actual things that are being said – versus process – how things are being said and why. When you’re in a discussion or a conflict, try taking a step back, sharing your own process with your partner, and reflecting together on what the process is between you. It can help to de-escalate things and prevent miscommunications or unintended hurts. Some examples:

• “I can feel myself getting my back up because I’m feeling kind of attacked right now. When you said ____, did you mean _____?”
• “It feels like we’re getting stuck; I’m feeling criticized, so I’m shutting down, and I can feel you getting frustrated when I shut down like this. Do you feel that happening too? Maybe we should take a break for a minute?”

Learning a new language, or how to translate between two different languages, is hard! And that’s really what you’re trying to do when you’re learning to communicate effectively with your partner. With time, practice, and compassion, for yourselves and for each other, you can get there.

If you're interested in starting therapy to better understand relationships and get relationship advice, find the digital mental health therapy best suited for you and complete an assessment for individual support.