Providing support to frontline workers – and others, too.

Relationships are complex things. They’re constantly changing and evolving – and they are important to all of us. Stress is often the result of problems in relationships. And, with the advent of the Covid-19 pandemic and the need for families to remain isolated in their homes, relationships are being stressed even further.

For frontline health care workers, there’s the added stress of having to work in an environment where the risk of getting the Covid-19 virus is great. Frontline workers have to worry about their own health, as well as the added risk that their career entails for the health of their families. This often causes further strain on partner and family relationships. It might also place a strain on relationships at work.

So, how do you provide support to the frontline worker when you’re stressed yourself?

Understanding relationships and the problems in them is an important part of stress management – and it’s important for you to manage your own stress so that you can support your partner or other family member experiencing the additional burden of putting himself/herself at additional risk of being exposed to the Covid-19 virus.

When people are stressed, they’re likely feeling more irritable, angry and anxious. During those times, we tend to fall back into our old patterns and negative ways of interacting.

Communicating, actively listening and really trying to understand another person all take quite a bit of energy. People who are “stressed-out” often don’t have the energy to initiate and actively engage in conversations. As a result, they come across as distant or uninterested.

In addition, when stressed, some people get extremely shy or sensitive and avoid communicating with others as much as possible. But, the longer you avoid people, the more awkward you feel when you find yourself with them again. This can lead to more and more avoidance. This can also be misinterpreted as your being disinterested or not willing to engage with other people.

Many problems that arise in relationships have to do with the way we have typically communicated with the other person. Good communication is always key, but especially in times of crisis.

Researchers have examined the ways in which people interact with each other when under stress, or when they are unhappy with what’s transpiring in the relationship. For example, when engaged in a disagreement, you might tend to engage in one of the “Four Horsemen” identified by John Gottman. (Although he used the Four Horsemen when working with couples, it really works for any interaction.)

But, for each of the four horsemen, there’s an antidote:

Verbally attacking the other person’s personality or character, versus a gentler start up. For example, talking about your feelings, using “I” statements and expressing a positive need.

An inflated sense of self with the intent to insult or abuse – versus reminding yourself of the other person’s positive qualities and find gratitude for any positive action.

Victimizing yourself to ward off perceived attack and reverse the blame – versus taking responsibility. Accept the other person’s perspective and offer an apology for any wrongdoing.

Withdrawing to avoid conflict and convey disappointment, distance and separation – versus physiological self-soothing. Take a break. Spend some time doing something soothing and distracting.

It’s very important to use the antidotes to the Four Horsemen when communicating. Under time of stress, we can fall back into our old patterns of responding when under stress.