How to Not Feel Helpless: Managing What We Can and Can’t Control in Times of Crisis

Our brains are wired so that we like stability and predictability. We like things to mostly stay the same.

When things are stable and predictable, we feel safe and in control. We like it when the view from our window looks the same when we go to bed and when we get up in the morning. If something does change, we like it to be because we decide to change it. We like to feel in control of our daily lives and our destiny.

When things are new, different, unstable and uncertain, we become more anxious and feel less safe and less in control. The more change, uncertainty and instability, the more anxious we get.

Feeling a little uncertain and not in control can feel exciting, like the fear you experience at amusement park ride or a good scary movie. But part of what makes those things “fun” is that you sign up for it and you know it will end. You know what you’re getting into, so it is in a way… predictable. You are in control of not being in control.

But, when things are uncertain…
Right now, most people feel directly threatened by COVID-19.

Many feel that their own life or the life of someone they love is under threat. Others are experiencing the threat of loss of income or employment. We are also being exposed to a level of change, instability and uncertainty that makes people feel anxious and helpless.

An uncertain outcome is neither good nor bad… because we don’t know what it is.

But, we experience it as a threat. Threats make us anxious. Anxiety is a negative state, like pain, so we engage in all kinds of thinking and behaviours to try to reduce uncertainty, prevent bad things from happening and gain a feeling of stability, predictability and safety.

For example, when you fly on an airplane you give up a lot a of control to the pilot and the crew, maintenance crew, people at Customs and Immigration, and fellow passengers. That makes most people who don’t fly a lot at least a little anxious, and they may look a little “obsessive and compulsive” on the way to the airport… checking for their passport and tickets, then maybe checking again, and maybe again… The safety behaviour (or compulsion) of checking helps them feel a little more in control. And it makes sense. There are a lot of things you can’t control, but you can be in control of whether or not you have your tickets, passport and toothbrush.

In any situation, including COVID-19, it’s important to focus on what you can control and not focus on what you can’t. Like the person taking an international flight, you should focus on things you can control like having your tickets, passport and bathing suit packed – and not on things you can’t possibly know or control, like the weather, turbulence, what the pilot is thinking and doing, what the maintenance crew was fixing just before take-off, the person listening to loud music or clipping their toenails beside you, the baby crying behind you, and what might happen when you get to Customs and Immigration…

In any stressful situation, it’s always a good idea to take some time to divide your problems and concerns into things you cannot control and things you can control. That’s because focusing on, worrying about and trying to control the things that you can’t control leads to more anxiety, more hyper arousal, more worrying and more feeling “out of control.”

In contrast, focusing on the things you can control leads to a feeling of control, less anxiety, lower arousal, less worry and a feeling of being more in control. This is especially important in situations like COVID-19 because there’s so much we cannot control.

So, this week, let’s look at the things that are out of our control, and the things that are. Today, we’ll start with the things you shouldn’t worry about – all the things that are out of your control.