How to use financial problems as an opportunity to build your relationship

Believe it or not, situations of conflict can be a helpful opportunity to pause and do a check-in on your relationship and to check the gauge. "How are we doing as a couple?" is the question to evaluate. Communicating and seeking understanding can help with building or re-establishing your foundation as a couple, which will better position you to deal with conflict and the stress that comes with money-related problems. Here are some ideas to help with discussing and reflecting on the impact money is having on your relationship:

Checking the gauge
Take the time to ask your partner the following questions and take turns doing so. After asking a question, avoid speaking and listen to your partner carefully. Write things down to capture important points as needed, including things unrelated to money which can be additional relationship “gems” to explore further. 

• What are your values around money? What is the role of money in your life? Security? A sign of success?
• How did you each learn about money and how to manage finances? Are there differences in your background around how you see money and handle money issues?
• How do each other’s values and strategies around money management impact the relationship?
• How do we make decisions relating to money? 

Evaluating your interactions with each other
Take some time to think about how your interactions are with your partner. Are you getting into gridlock when talking about money or taking the time to stay calm, listen and understand? Discuss the following: 

• How do we communicate? Are we communicating in ways that convey empathy and understanding? If not, what makes that difficult? What is needed from each partner to feel heard and understood? Does each partner know what that looks like for their partner and for themselves?
• Are we taking time to cool down before talking about something stressful like money?
• Do we take time to walk away when things start to escalate? Are we also setting a time to come back and not just abandoning the conversation?
• How do we show ourselves and each other compassion through the roughest parts of the storm?
• What does my partner need from me in order to help them cool down? What do I need? Have we communicated this with each other? How do we help each other cool down the next time we run into a heated argument about money? 

Consider this as well - outside of situations of conflict, think about if you are: 

• Taking time to discuss your overall life goals
• Sharing with each other what your “couplehood” purpose is and what it means for each of you
• Sharing your hopes and dreams with each other
• Expressing gratitude and appreciation to each other every day. If not, why not? What gets in the way? Is there more to talk about?
• Taking regular times for fun, play, romance and planning courtships
• Each coming in with a “we” mindset instead of “me” and a “we” attitude? If not, what makes that hard and why? 

Moments of reflection are key when problem-solving in a relationship. Set the time aside that you need to go through these questions alone and with your partner to improve your relationship.

If you're ready to seek therapy for relationship struggles, find the digital mental health therapy best suited for you and complete an assessment for individual support. 

References 

• Gottman, J. (1994). Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. Fireside, Simon & Schuster, New York. 
• Grobbelaar, C. & Alsemgeest, L. (2016). The Relationship between Spousal Communication and Financial Arguments and Stress between Young Married Couples. Journal of Social Sciences, 46(3): 271-281. Retrieved from JSS-46-3-271-16-1655-Grobbelaar-C-Tx9.pmd.pdf 
• Kelley, H., LeBaron, A. & Hill, J. (2018). Financial Stress and Marital Quality: The Moderating Influence of Couple Communication. Journal of Financial Therapy, 9(2): 17-36. Retrieved from https://newprairiepress.org/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1176&context=jft