Right now, many people are angry. Angry about losing work, money, routines, going out with friends, child care and just, well, normalcy. What used to be routine things can now be infuriating – like waiting in long queues at the grocery store or going for a walk and someone coming too close.
It’s OK to be angry – losing things we cherish is stressful. What’s not OK is to unleash this anger on those around us, particularly those we love most. Read on to see how you can manage your anger, or help someone you know.
The science of anger
As Dr. Andrew Gentile, clinical psychologist at BEACON, explains, anger is linked to distorted thinking. There are two classic types:
- Catastrophizing, which means exaggerating the consequences of the expected outcome. Thoughts like “I’ll never work again” or “I’ll never be able to go out again and not be worried” are examples.
- Telling ourselves that we absolutely need something to happen or that we can't handle a situation. Thoughts like “I need things to get back to normal now.”
When we get angry, our limbic system (which controls our emotions) takes over from our prefrontal cortex (which we used to think rationally and plan). So, our bodies are preparing us for “fight mode” – when this is the opposite of what we need when we are angry. Pay attention to cues that you’re getting angry (e.g., angry thoughts, flushed face), and start pumping the brakes to slow things down before they escalate.
For example, say your partner says something you don’t like or someone cuts in line at the store, take a moment to cool down. Use a coping skill to separate yourself from this trigger, like a few deep breaths, or a walk around the block.
Once you’ve cooled down, try to think logically instead of emotionally. Focus on the source of the anger – and not the person who made you angry. For example, are you angry with your partner for not doing the dishes, or is it that you need more help at home?
Or, is anxiety about the current situation that’s making you lash out over small things? By taking a step back and thinking about why you’re angry, you can avoid displacing it on someone else, and have a more constructive conversation about addressing the real issue.
Controlling anger – before it controls you
If you find your anger escalating, take control. Take a pause. Give yourself some space from that feeling. Try to think about what is making you angry and why, rather than displacing it on the person nearest to you. Expressing your feelings in a healthier way strengthens relationships and connection – something we all need right now.
