If you’ve ever found yourself saying: “I tried mindfulness and it didn’t work,” then you were probably trying to practice mindfulness without acceptance. Without that critical ingredient your practice was probably doomed to “not work” before you even started.
Allow me to explain with an example…
For the next two minutes, don’t think about a white bear. You can think about anything you want – but just not a white bear. No white bears. Don’t even think about thinking about a white bear…
You probably can’t do it.
Now, if we substituted that with ‘don’t shoot a white bear,’ then the prompt might be more helpful. (Assuming you had access to the bear, the gun and a desire to shoot it.) This shows how – when it comes to external problems – being prompted to not do a specific behaviour, and actively trying not to do it, is quite effective.
But we get ourselves into trouble when try to use the same strategy for dealing with internal problems, like difficult thoughts or feelings.
For example, if we substitute that “white bear” with anxiety (or any other unpleasant thought, physical sensation or emotion), it’s like trying to put out a fire by pouring gasoline over it. The harder you try to not think about or experience the anxiety, the more that your focus on anxiety begins to consume your life.
This paradoxical effect explains why being mindful in order to feel better may sound like disappointing advice. But, remember, mindfulness isn’t about feeling BETTER, its about FEELING better.
Before you get discouraged, remember that mindfulness is a very effective way of finding relaxation and stress relief. However, this is the byproduct, not the goal.
If your perspective is that you absolutely NEED to feel relaxed, then we can be sure that you won’t. On the other hand, if you are truly willing to make space for discomfort, then you will be able to nurture that part of yourself that is uncomfortable from within an oasis of tranquility.
Accessing the benefits of mindfulness is very doable for most people with some adjustment in their mindset. However, it requires us to let go of our need for control by recognizing and allowing that anxiety to be there without resistance – even though you don't like it. In doing so, the “fire” of your anxiety will be deprived of the fuel it needs to survive and it will burn itself out.
Letting go of our agenda for control can be a very difficult concept to wrap our minds around, especially when it comes to our most painful traumas. So, start with something more manageable.
Try practicing mindful acceptance by bringing your attention to small amount of physical pain or discomfort in your body. Notice how your body tenses up or braces itself. Also note any internal dialogue to the effect of: “I can’t deal with this!”
Then, try letting go of this reactivity by releasing any of that physical tension and distancing yourself from unhelpful thoughts by saying: “My mind is telling me a story that I can’t deal with this.”
With practice, exercising this “muscle” of the mind on the little things, you will increasingly have the skills to handle the big things.
