How to discover your relationship values

Relationships are an exciting and core part of how we connect, learn, and exist as humans. What drives us to find relationships is often the hope to connect with each other. Connection is part of what makes us human, after all. Relationships provide us with a sense of security, helping us trust that we have others to turn to when life inevitably gets difficult. 

How do we pick our relationships though? In an age of global connection, how do we decide who to engage deeper with? How do we decide who is an “acquaintance” and who is a friend? Who are the people you can be genuine with, who share and respect your core values? 

Values can range from so many different ideas and concepts, ethics and ways of being and they can be especially hard to tease out. As a therapist, I often get a bit of an uncertain look if I ask “what is it that you value?” or “how are your decisions impacted by your values?” Reflecting on these questions can be a valuable way to help us understand the role our identity plays in our connections with others. We learn our values from such a wide range of people and contexts that it may be hard to pinpoint exactly who we learned our values from. There are a few questions to ask yourself when thinking about where your values came from: 

• Who taught you that relationships with your community are important?
• Did you belong to a religious or spiritual community that demonstrated what it means to be compassionate?
• Did your caregivers take you places to connect with others?
• How was mental health discussed at home?
• Was it often dismissed or portrayed as a weakness, or was it openly discussed as the fluctuating state of thoughtful and emotional well-being?
• Did your caregivers have the means to provide you with opportunities to share with others, or perhaps you often had to fend for yourself and struggled with meeting your own basic needs?
• How did the people in your life react to the values of others?
• Which values were praised and which were criticized?
• Did you have the time and encouragement to regularly engage in self-reflection?

These are just some examples of the many questions we could reflect on to reveal how our values have been shaped. Our values are not often taught to us explicitly, the way a math equation may be taught in school. Rather, we learn our values from our society, environments, experiences, relationships, and more. We experience the world and put together a puzzle on how things are “supposed to work.” As an example, we may even take for granted that we value community or giving to others because “it is just the right thing to do.” Where did these values come from and why do they continue to be important to you?

In my work as a therapist, I often meet people who, after discovering and being able to talk out loud about what they find important, find answers about why they may be feeling dissatisfied in their relationships. Discussing values with others and what drives us in an ethical and core way of being human is not always an obvious way to enrich our connections with others. We do have an intuition to notice who may share similar values to us which is why we sometimes “click” with new people we meet, but what happens when we discover that intuition was incorrect? Maybe you had a friend that you were close with for years only to discover you both have shifted in what you find truly important. Maybe this has happened with a partner. It is also possible that if we do not explicitly discuss what we value, we could misunderstand the values of others and assume they are aligned with ours when that may not truly be the case.

You may find the following questions helpful on your continued journey to discovering your values: 

• When I engage in my day-to-day actions, do I feel fulfilled?
• Does my school program, place of work, volunteer activities, etc. make me feel content?
• What do I find important? If I had to pick three beliefs people have about the world, which beliefs are the most important for me? How would those beliefs look in my relationships with others?
• Are the people I am in relationships with often open about their own values and respectful of mine?

This resource could also help on a journey of value discovery.

Remember, connecting with your values is a crucial part of living a fulfilled life. Our therapists can help you discover what values are true to you too. If you're ready to start therapy, find the digital mental health therapy best suited for you and complete an assessment for individual support.